ups and downs

Last night I got back to the apartment at around 10PM, and the weirdest thing happened. My landlady was watching a Korean soap on TV, and strands of its theme song floated out to me. As soon as I closed the door to my room, I frickin’ burst into tears. WTF?!  0_o

Major mood swing. Big frickin’ major mood swing. Honestly, that was one of the worst I’ve had so far. Luckily I didn’t have it while I was at work. That would have been so damn embarrassing!

And I cried the rest of the night, all the way to sleep. When I woke up this morning, my lids were heavy and sticky and my eyes hurt.

I guess it was one of those times, you know, when everything just piled up until "the whole dam burst" so to speak. All the frustrations of the past weeks, even little things that I didn’t really bother with then but somehow got stored up with everything else… I snapped and it led to a flood of silent weeping. (Silent because I couldn’t let other people hear me sobbing in there!)

Oh, well. I feel better today, actually. One always feels better after a good, hard cry!

musings on muzik and faith

I’m feeling a little blank. I wanted to write something, any kind of prose or poetry piece, and my mind just…stayed blank. Damn.

Right now I’m listening to (and watching) Josh Groban Live at the Greek concert. He’s singing My December as I type this line. There’s a beautiful part in this concert that I absolutely love: Lucia Micarelli’s violin performance of Bohemian Rhapsody. The sound of her violin and the sight of her as she plays music on it is enough to blow one away. Plus, I happen to love the song.

I watched The Gospel of Judas last Sunday on National Geographic Channel. For those who do not know, this was about the discovery of a codex believed to be containing the only surviving copy of the lost Gospel of Judas, which talks about the "real" relationship of Jesus and Judas Iscariot. In this gospel, Judas is portrayed as a hero and the only disciple who understood who Jesus was, that he was Jesus’ closest disciple, and that he did not in fact betray Jesus because he was chosen by Jesus himself to make the sacrifice of handing him over to the authorities so his mission can come to pass. More info on this at the NGC site: http://www9.nationalgeographic.com/lostgospel/

The words written in this gospel is definitely CONTROVERSIAL in capital letters, since it more or less "confirms" the beliefs of some people that Judas was actually not a bad person and not a traitor. Well, I am Christian, and more so, I am Catholic, but I admit to an open mind. I am not shocked nor repulsed by this discovery of the lost gospel, because I have long considered the Bible and its gospels not as true accounts, not to be taken literally…but rather…as a source of inspiration and guidance by taking note of the meaning or the essence of the stories and not what they say word for word.

With so many words being said, so many stories being written, so many teachings being taught…who can remember? who can say "This is the truth."? Not unless one can say "I was there when it happened" can we really give credibility to a story, and even then, we cannot truly say it is truth unless we ourselves were there and saw with our own eyes, heard with our own ears, touched with our very own hands.

Faith versus doctrine. Most of the time I find myself going on pure faith. Living on faith sans doctrine, now is that wrong? I am but human. Teachers and writers of doctrine are but human. Humans are imperfect.

I prefer a more personal, deep, heart-talking-to-heart relationship with my God. I do not want to listen to sermons of what is right and what is wrong, when lately they have become so laced with politics and intrigue. I go to church to talk to my God in his place of honor, not listen to a human preaching concepts that may have been influenced by something other than faith. No, I am not generalizing that all men of the cloth are no longer worthy. But I have become picky. Who wants to go to Mass, ready to truly worship, only to be bombarded by dire warnings and rantings not directed at me at all. I want to hear about me. I want to hear about all the good things my God has in store for me, how much he loves me, so I can look up at his image and tell him I love him too. I don’t want to leave the House of God feeling worse than when I came in.

Am I religious? I do not know. Is being religious going to Mass every Sunday, lighting candles at altars, participating in every procession of every saint’s feast day, or walking the length of the church aisle on my knees? Is it putting substantial amounts in the offertory basket, to "help" the church and the needy?

But am I faithful? To this I can say yes in full confidence. I have kept faith, and will continue to do so. I believe in my God, that Supreme Being, that Higher Power…I believe. And I surrender to him alone.

Surely by these admissions no one can say I have damned my soul to eternity in hell. Who has that right anyway? Only God can decide that, not us flawed humans.

P.S. Ah, now my mind is no longer blank.

graduation day & summer escapades

I graduated this afternoon…

…from Level 1 sign language class. Yep, the Sign Language Association of Cebu held its graduation rites this afternoon at 3pm, at the Ayala Activity Center. I’m still a level 1 graduate, which means I’m still not very proficient at signing, though I guess I can do most words and some sentences. This June my friends and I are moving on to Level 2 for more in-depth study… and a whole lotta signing.

Speaking of summer escapades, on the other hand — I had mine early. A group of us went to one of the islands of Camotes last weekend for an overnight stay at beautiful, beautiful Mangodlong Rock Resort. It was our first time to the place, and definitely our first time to set foot in Camotes. We didn’t quite expect such a beautiful white sand beach and crystal clear waters to greet us the moment we got out of the multicab that took us to the resort. It’s a place definitely worth going back to, and I will for sure when I get some extra money (not that the place is expensive, it’s really quite affordable, which simply adds to the beauty of it!).

Check out some of our pix from that trip… there’s more in the gallery.

And last for today, I’d like to share a favorite from my mp3 collection: The Truth by former The Calling frontman Alex Band, the official soundtrack for the movie Doll Graveyard. Enjoy!

THE TRUTH
Alex Band

Well hello
You say you want to taste the truth
Just swallow it down
And it will all be over soon
Don’t try to fight
Just listen to the sound of my voice
I know you want to run baby
But you don’t really have a choice, don’t have a choice

Cause they’ve become addicted
Turning our world to trash
And right now you are their victim
There is no turning back…

Your every move
They’re watching you
And there is nothing you can do
Your every breath
Could be your last
Cause they will break your heart in two
No one can save you
Cause they will take you
Well hey you wanted the truth

When you sleep
When you eat
They’re always there
Looking to bury the living
And bring life to the dead, to the dead

One hundred years of waiting
Thirty six thousand days
Fifty two million seconds
Six billion start to pray…

Your every move
They’re watching you
And there is nothing you can do
Your every breath
Could be your last
Cause they will break your heart in two
No one can save you
Cause they will take you
Well hey you wanted the truth

They’re gonna steal your soul
They’re gonna take control
Playing games with your mind
And it’s only a matter of time
Till your fighting for your life

Lay me down to sleep
Pray my soul you’ll keep

They have become addicted
Turning our world to trash
And right now you are their victim
There is no turning back…

Your every move
They’re watching you
And there is nothing you can do
Your every breath
Could be you last
Cause they will break your heart in two
No one can save you
Cause they will take you
Well hey you wanted,
well hey you wanted the truth

pardon me

I am probably the most discontented blogger ever. I’ve changed designs at least 4 times in 3 days. Forgive me for getting so restless.

I think it has to do with my mood swings. One time I like what I see, the next I totally loathe it.

Oh well. I’ve got to stop changing & changing somehow.

On to another topic. My friends and I are going on a Camotes adventure this weekend. I say adventure because we’ve never been to the place, we’re going there without a guide with just 2 tents and food and water and clothes and, in my case, 2 cameras loaded with film. One of them is a Nikon FE10 SLR, so don’t be wondering why I still use film. The other is…well…(*blushes*) a frickin’ point and shoot camera, the simplest kind. I know I should get myself a digital camera already. But soon enough, soon enough.

I was a bit disappointed today because I had a film developed and there were too many wasted shots courtesy of my moody shutter curtain (or shutter release button, whichever was being stubborn). Really, I had good subjects and great shots waiting to be taken during my Fort San Pedro trip last weekend, and the shutter just refused to budge! Everytime I pressed the button, all I heard was a dull click and no snap. GRRRR. Add that to the fact that it’s been 3 years since my Basic Photography class, and I haven’t used my SLR in a long time, so I still had a tendency to mess things up. Aaaargh I need more practice!

hurry up & get here

This is going to be a long post.

I haven’t really felt like posting lately, though I’ve got tons of thoughts I’d written on paper these past nights when I couldn’t sleep.

But tonight I was listening to my mp3s as usual, and one of the songs ultimately prompted this post.

Don’t you hate it when songs strike home so hard, it hurts? Sometimes a song gets to me so bad, I immediately go into an instant mood swing the moment I hear it. The moods would range from being royally p*ssed, sadly pensive, to being downright depressed — depending on the song, of course.

Well tonight my mood has switched to being sadly pensive, so much that I feel like drowning in thoughts and memories. All because of this song:

Love Song For No One
by John Mayer

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I’m jaded
I hate it

I’m tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
(get here)

Searching all my days just to find you
I’m not sure who I’m looking for
I’ll know it
When I see you
Until then, I’ll hide in my bedroom
just staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I’m tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
Oh no way

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I’m tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You’ll be so good
You’ll be so good for me

(more…)

reminiscing

Last night on my way home, I heard a voice that I’ve sorely missed hearing around the office.

"Martine!"

Only one person ever in all of Bigfoot called me by my 2nd name. Jai.

I looked around and spotted him sitting with a group at one of the tables outside the downstairs coffeeshop. I waved, and he waved gaily back.

"How are you, girl?" he asked me, and all I could say was "OK" with a little laugh. I wanted to say "I miss you" but didn’t want to be misinterpreted by the people he was with.

I am very fond of Jai. I like him very, very much, not in the mushy, romantic sense, mind you. I like him as a person, as a friend, as an uber-fun guy to be with. He was one of those male friends you can hug and cuddle and make beso-beso with in the strictest platonic fashion.

Seeing him then made me reminisce old times and recall all the friends I had who were like him — my bros in the community, my kuyas in the ministry, all the good guy friends I had from high school to college…

I miss cuddling up to a guy knowing that my actions will not be misunderstood, to seek comfort in a guy’s arms without fear of malice, to make lambing and pa-cute without getting conscious or discomfited or embarrassed, and simply receive genuine friendship and companionship.

I miss all those friends, and all those times.

(more…)

as long as it’s rock

You Are an Emo Rocker!

Expressive and deep, lyrics are really your thing. That doesn’t mean you don’t rock out… You just rock out with meaning. For you, rock is more about connecting than grandstanding.

Took this quiz way back. I don’t really know if Emo is bad or good, but I do like rock, and it’s right — lyrics ARE my thing.

back from the dead

Whoo! A fresh, new blog.

I feel so evil having 2 accounts here. Hehehe. But anyways, I’m going to migrate all the stuff in my other account to here, and I’ll be using this URL from then on.

The reason I got myself a new account is simple. I wanted to change the domain name.

Anyway, ’nuff said about that and on to other things. I only just got back to work last Tuesday afternoon after getting sick for 5 days. Can you believe I had chicken pox? And for the second time, too. I thought chicken pox only hits you once in your lifetime?

Needless to say, I had to go into hibernation, without anything worthwhile to interest me. I endured a 5-day cycle of eat, sleep, watch TV, and more sleep. I suffered 5 frickin’ days of no bath. Ugh! I wanted to take a bath; kept asking my mom if I could, but she said why don’t I just towel-wipe to be safe.

When I finally got well and was in the bathroom and felt the water on my skin, it was HEAVEN. I almost didn’t want to get out of there. All I wanted to do was soak in heavenly water.

And I got quite a surprise when I reached the office. There was a bunch of balloons on my desk, and a huge cake. My workmates chipped in to buy me a "Welcome back from the dead" cake, from Red Ribbon no less! Ain’t that so sweet? This never happened to me before!