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Home » Archives » February 2007
Once Again, I Rant
February 12, 2007
But lately, it's been like…like I'm starting to imagine how people would react once they read what I've posted…like I'm beginning to care what they think of me… and then nothing comes out. Instead of pouring out thoughts, even silly random ones, I sit and stare blankly at my screen… the words locked in my head, not knowing how to start, not knowing how to say what I think without being misunderstood.
And I hate that. I've always blogged to please myself, not others. I don't want that to start now. I don't want to be restricted, to be stuck in a shell because that's where I'm supposed to be. Come to think of it, how many people actually truly know me? How many call themselves friends and yet casually dismiss me when I'm not there? How many pretend to care and then destroy friendships with a few choice untruths?
I don't want to be sour-graping, but I don't want to be a hypocrite, either. I hate being hurt, and once I'm hurt it takes a very long time for me to recover. That's just me, and please don't tell me I'm being too sentimental. Don't tell me to "let go and move on" because I will, when I'm ready. So don't force me when I'm not!
I value friendship a lot, and I loathe people who try to destroy something that I took care to build and preserve. If you have an issue with me, have it out with me, scream at me if you must and i'll gladly scream back at you, but don't go behind my back and ruin my friendship with others. People like you are not worth anyone's forgiveness, much less friendship.
I guess I could say that I'm more wary of people now, and trust is hard for me to give away. Maybe that's why I don't blog personal thoughts that often anymore, you never know when someone out there plans to feast on something I wrote. "You wouldn't believe what she wrote in her blog! She's so blah blah blah, yada yada yada….!"
But I can't let them stunt me. Not any longer. I've got to break out and be me again. And I'm glad that despite all the hypocrites and traitors in this world, there are those people who know me, the ones I can truly call friends. The ones who, despite the distance and the time we've spent apart, are still there hanging around. The ones who, even when I "disappear" for weeks, will instantly take up where we left off when I decide to resurface — with several well-meaning, pointed comments that only friends can get away with. The ones who automatically read between the lines when I say something but don't want to come right out with what I actually mean. Oh well, you guys know who you are! No, I will not mention names basin naay mu-react! =P
