goin’ back to the start…

I begin to write this as I listen to Coldplay’s The Scientist. It brings back some rather beautifully painful memories.

I saw a ghost from my past. He had filled out, gotten more robust. And for some weird reason he wore his hair long, right down to his shoulders. But he was the same tall guy, and he had the same eyes.

Eyes that flickered in surprise as he looked at me, for a brief split-second, before dying down into…indifference…

And then he looked away. Moved away.

@*^$!

What, did he think I can’t do the same thing?! So I flashed him a quick Oh-it’s-you-sorry-I-didn’t-notice smile and moved off to chat with some other guys past him.

He was with his girlfriend, of course. Double @*^$.

We both ignored each other. He, probably because he really had nothing to say to me anymore and was perfectly happy where he was. And I…I pretended to ignore him because I couldn’t bear to look in his face, his eyes, and feel all that pain again.

How can love be so unfair?

I wonder if he knows the sight of him can still bring me to tears. I wonder if he knows that the sight and sound of his name can still, sometimes, drag me to the depths of depression.

So who’s the loser now? Me, obviously. I know, painfully so, that I must move on…but I have no wish to lie to myself. I know that the only way I can completely, blisfully get over him, is to fall in love again.

Fall madly, recklessly, wholeheartedly, beautifully in love again.

It was time to leave. I was tired from the nigh on 2-hour v-hire ride home after two days of cavorting in the South. We were merely passing by to grab a bite when this all happened.

We said our goodbyes, and I couldn’t resist looking at him. I gave him a small, sad smile and a wave…and he looked at me.

Suddenly, my mind took me back several years past, it was the same mall, and nearly the same group of people, and exactly the same look that he gave me. Only, that last time he came up to me, and touched my cheek. A simple touch, no words, nothing else, before he walked away. It was like he was saying goodbye.

That look, it made me feel the exact same way I had felt back in that moment, all those years ago.

All too soon it was over, and he was out of my sight. But is he out of my heart?

What an ending to a perfectly fun, worry-free vacation.

…

And it sucks. Because I’ve been swinging between normal, depressed, and pissed off moods this week. All due to that frickin’ encounter. @*^!

…

P.S. Quoting mhuyheN: "Stef, anong nangyari sa Matt mo?"

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P.P.S. OA ko noh?

…

So what? I don’t care.