goin’ back to the start…

I begin to write this as I listen to Coldplay’s The Scientist. It brings back some rather beautifully painful memories.

I saw a ghost from my past. He had filled out, gotten more robust. And for some weird reason he wore his hair long, right down to his shoulders. But he was the same tall guy, and he had the same eyes.

Eyes that flickered in surprise as he looked at me, for a brief split-second, before dying down into…indifference…

And then he looked away. Moved away.

@*^$!

What, did he think I can’t do the same thing?! So I flashed him a quick Oh-it’s-you-sorry-I-didn’t-notice smile and moved off to chat with some other guys past him.

He was with his girlfriend, of course. Double @*^$.

We both ignored each other. He, probably because he really had nothing to say to me anymore and was perfectly happy where he was. And I…I pretended to ignore him because I couldn’t bear to look in his face, his eyes, and feel all that pain again.

How can love be so unfair?

I wonder if he knows the sight of him can still bring me to tears. I wonder if he knows that the sight and sound of his name can still, sometimes, drag me to the depths of depression.

So who’s the loser now? Me, obviously. I know, painfully so, that I must move on…but I have no wish to lie to myself. I know that the only way I can completely, blisfully get over him, is to fall in love again.

Fall madly, recklessly, wholeheartedly, beautifully in love again.

It was time to leave. I was tired from the nigh on 2-hour v-hire ride home after two days of cavorting in the South. We were merely passing by to grab a bite when this all happened.

We said our goodbyes, and I couldn’t resist looking at him. I gave him a small, sad smile and a wave…and he looked at me.

Suddenly, my mind took me back several years past, it was the same mall, and nearly the same group of people, and exactly the same look that he gave me. Only, that last time he came up to me, and touched my cheek. A simple touch, no words, nothing else, before he walked away. It was like he was saying goodbye.

That look, it made me feel the exact same way I had felt back in that moment, all those years ago.

All too soon it was over, and he was out of my sight. But is he out of my heart?

What an ending to a perfectly fun, worry-free vacation.

…

And it sucks. Because I’ve been swinging between normal, depressed, and pissed off moods this week. All due to that frickin’ encounter. @*^!

…

P.S. Quoting mhuyheN: "Stef, anong nangyari sa Matt mo?"

…

P.P.S. OA ko noh?

…

So what? I don’t care.

2 songs for the day

i’m feeling frickin’ pissed off today.

indulge me with these 2 songs.

GOING UNDER
by Evanescence

Now I will tell you what I’ve done for you
Fifty thousand tears I’ve cried
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you
And you still won’t hear me
Going under

Don’t want your hand this time, I’ll save myself
Maybe I’ll wake up for once, wake up for once
Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought I’d reach the bottom

I’m dying again
I’m going under
Drowning in you
I’m falling forever
I’ve got to break through,
I’m going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don’t know what’s real and what’s not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can’t trust myself anymore

I’m dying again
I’m going under
Drowning in you
I’m falling forever
I’ve got to break through, I’m

So go on and scream
Scream at me, I’m so far away
I won’t be broken again
I’ve got to breathe
I can’t keep going under

I’m dying again
I’m going under
Drowning in you
I’m falling forever
I’ve got to break through, I’m
Going under
Going under
I’m going under

TORNIQUET
by Evanescence

I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more
(So much more)
I lay dying
And I’m pouring
Crimson regret, and betrayal

I’m dying, praying
Bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved
Am I too lost

My God, my tourniquet
Return to me, salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me, salvation

Do you remember me
Lost for so long
Will you be on the other side
Or will you forget me

I’m dying, praying
Bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved
Am I too lost

My God, my tourniquet
Return to me, salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me, salvation

Return to me, salvation

I long to die

My God, my tourniquet
Return to me, salvation
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me, salvation

My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied Christ
Tourniquet, my suicide

Return to me, salvation
Return to me, salvation

People who listen to goth/emo death songs are not always freaks.

in my room

how do you write a sexy song without being too explicit?

this party is old & uninviting
participants all in black & white
you enter in full-blown technicolor
nothing is the same after tonight

if the world will fall apart
in a fiction-worthy wind
i wouldn’t change a thing
now that you’re here

your love is a verb here in my room
here in my room, here in my room
yeah love is a verb here in my room
here in my room, here in my room

you enter & close the door behind you
now show me the world as seen from the stars
if only the lights would dim a litte
i’m wary of eyes upon my scars

if the world will fall apart
in a fiction-worthy wind
i wouldn’t change a thing
now that you’re here

your love is a verb here in my room
here in my room, here in my room
yeah love is a verb here in my room
here in my room, here in my room

pink tractor beam into your incision
spinning as free as dervish’s wheel
i came here expecting next to nothing
so thank you for being that kind of girl

that kind of girl…(8x)

-Here In My Room-
by Incubus

a kiss in the rain

Take the quiz:

i wish you were here

(Haaay, balik na sad ta ani?)

i dig my toes into the sand
the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
strewn across a blue blanket
i lean against the wind,
pretend that i am weightless
and in this moment i am happy
happy…

i wish you were here
i wish you were here
i wish you were here
i wish you were…here

i lay my head onto the sand
the sky resembles a back-lit canopy
with holes punched in it
i’m counting UFOs
i signal them with my lighter
and in this moment i am happy
happy…

i wish you were here
i wish you were here
i wish you were…here
wish you were here

the worlds a rollercoaster
and i am not strapped in
maybe i should hold with care
but my hands are busy in the air
saying…

i wish you were here
i wish you were
i wish you were here
i wish you were here
i wish you were…here

wish you were here

-Wish You Were Here-
by Incubus

(gets ba?)