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scared to death of you
May 20, 2006"If the world would fall apart in a fiction-worthy wind, I wouldn’t change a thing now that you’re here," Brandon Boyd sings.
But now that you’re here, I don’t know what to do.
I’m scared. Are you scared? Please don’t tell me I’m imagining things.
I wished for you. I longed for you. Damn it, I even prayed for you, to be here, to be near again. I never thought it would work. Or was it just pure, dumb chance?
Sometimes I wish I could change myself for you. To have everything you’ve always wanted in a girl. To be the very one that you want most so you have no choice left but to fall in love with me.
But you see, I can’t stand the thought of losing my own identity to become a different person for somebody else. This is ME. This is who I am, what I am, how I am…and you know, you don’t really know me all that well. Perhaps…perhaps if you dig deep enough, you’ll find I’m not so bad after all. I may not be sexy, I may not be the most beautiful woman in the world, but hell I’ve got a whole lot of other things I can be proud of.
And since I cannot and will not change myself, what choice do I have left but to make you see that I am special and worth your time. But here’s the rub: I don’t know how, and I’m scared. I am terrified of saying the wrong thing, of sending the wrong signals, of being misunderstood. Most of all, I am scared to death that it will have no effect, because you feel nothing for me, and everything I have done is all for nothing. Call it a phobia if you like, stemming from roots I do not care to discuss at the moment.
So I have reached an impasse. And all I can do is look at you, watch you…because I freeze whenever you’re near. Even my thoughts escape me. So I say nothing, or pretend to ignore you, rather than make a total fool of myself.
After minutes, or hours, or whatever time it took out of my day just to watch you…I vent out my frustration in listening to music…or writing in this blog, like today.
F**k this! Stupid, frickin’ pathetic fool…can i have some more beer here please??????
