leave me alone

i wish these people would all disappear

rantings of a love unrequited

wow. such a catchy entry title, wouldn’t you say? haha. love hurts. love f*cking hurts. hahaha.

ok, enough sarcastic laughter, you silly girl.

bcoz now i wanna cry. Life in Mono has just begun to play on my winamp and it frickin’ makes me wanna cry.

it must be PMS. i hate the frickin’ mood swings it gives me.

and some pictures i was looking at just a little while ago. damn it. i am that stage just before "that time of the month" where i am always emotionally raw, i do NOT need something to feed the fires of my already unstable mood!!!

save me, save me. *sigh*

now Incubus is playing. not even brandon boyd can make me totally smile at this moment, but then at the very least he calms me…or rather…he takes my mind off you. for the meantime, anyway.

so there, i’ve plastered him all over my desktop.

two lines came out of my head this morning. i bleed for you but you don’t see me. one day i’ll die for you and you won’t even notice. i can probably make a sad little poem out of that…soon…

damn. love will be the death of me.

Morbid Dreams

*This is a poem written by my friend and fellow/poet writer Yancy Mark Gandionco, who was somewhere in New Jersey the last I got in touch with him… carpe diem, yancy mark.*

Morbid Dreams 

The stench of decay
Pungent and rebellious
Gets into every inch of you
Your body stiffens
As death passes you by
And your mind withers
As the shrieks
Of life-obsessed dead
Echoes in a nearby graveyard
Scared, confused and disturbed
You lay in a casket
By which one’s hands had made
And sleep with a corpse
By which one’s minds had born.

cocktail stories

Last night Mhuyhen, Menger, and I went for a night out, and it was fun. It was a night to be remembered, because it was then that Menger had his first virgin…er…umm…

Before I go there, let me recount the tale from the very beginning (sorry menger but i’m enjoying this!).

In one of our frenzied email discussions earlier this week, the three of us had set our sights on Thursday to have a night out, mainly for the following reasons:

1. Menger missed us (poor boy menger).
2. I needed to unwind (and menger too, he said).
3. Oh wait, Mhuyhen doesn’t need a reason to go out.

Mhuyhen had taekwondo class and could get out only after 9PM, so Menger and I decided we’d meet first, have dinner, hang out somewhere, and then proceed to our agreed meeting place at around 9.

It must’ve been around 6:55 PM when rain suddenly poured down in torrents. I was aghast; I didn’t have an umbrella, and Menger and I had been planning to walk it to Larsian for barbecue (in memory of our tibak days? *wink*). Thankfully the rain stopped just as suddenly as it had begun, but still we spent several minutes debating on where to eat dinner. We decided on Chinese ngohiong instead of Larsian, started walking half the length of Ramos street, and eventually ended up eating at Secret Holes near the Ramos market (they had steaming hot batchoy!).

We had an hour to spare after dinner, so we played some 9-ball billiards. Secret Holes was a billiards place, of course. Obviously. Hahaha. Hooray, I got to play 9-balls again after months of fasting from it (basically coz i can’t find anyone to play with *sob*). And both Menger and I tremendously sucked at it. Like, we played only 3 (or was it 4) games in an hour? Damn, I’ve been so out of practice!

Afterwards, off we went to UH — uncle henry’s — at Banilad Town Center. Mhuyhen wasn’t there yet, but who should I see but some old friends from another life (lol)?

Actually, I found some of my bro’s and sis from my old community way back in the USC-TC campus ministry (This is a sign. God is trying to tell me something.). They were at Dimsum Express, Kting, Liezl, and the one & only Michael Lowell (and Jay Ar some minutes later). I gave Myquel a huge huge hug, missing the old days at ECE & USCTC-CM & the Catholic Charismatic Carolinians…but back to the virgin, for now. (lol)

So Mhuyhen finally came, and there we were at UH, poring over the drinks menu. It was a few minutes later that Menger had his first Virgin…which all three of us sampled…and we therefore concluded that Virgin Colada was worth the 70pesos-plus-tax that we (or Menger, rather) shelled out. Hahaha! Yes, it tasted great, but what the hell I wanted alcohol.

So Menger had his deliciously satisfying non-alchoholic Virgin Colada, which was ice cream+lime+pineapple juice all blended together (yum!). Mhuyhen had the most expensive of the three drinks we ordered, a Frozen Black Irish (kahlua+bailey’s+vanilla ice cream)…and I had Frozen Piña Colada, a simple vodka+pineapple juice mix (yea vodka!).

I’m actually more of a tequila girl…so next time we hang out at UH…i’m getting myself a tequila-based cocktail. The bartender also had some recommendations last night, one of which was called Frozen Iceolation (nice name!), and another called Roll Me Over & Do Me Again (an even nicer, more interesting name LOL!).

There’s just one catch when it comes to cocktail night outs. These drinks are terribly expensive, and I can’t afford to be decently tipsy with just cocktails. So I guess if I’m itching to be nicely intoxicated or beautifully drunk…GSM na lang ta, bai. Paresi pomelo, dalandan, pineapple, o four seasons…hala tagay! Pakapin videoke nga tag-singko2x!

quote-frenzy

Just quoting.

╬ I will cry for you. I will cry for you. I will wash away your pain with all my tears and drown your fear. (#1 Crush — Garbage)

╬ I will sell my soul for something pure and true. Someone like you. (#1 Crush — Garbage)

╬ This world, this world is cold. But you don’t, you don’t have to go. (Hold On — Good Charlotte)

╬ Tears of hope run down my skin, tears for you that will not dry. (Remember When It Rained — Josh Groban)

╬ Time is ticking, try to see that I am you and you are me. (If You’re Not Scared — K’s Choice)

╬ Find me here and speak to me. I want to feel you. I need to hear you. (Everything — Lifehouse)

╬ After all the crushes are faded and all my wishful thinking was wrong, I’m jaded. I hate it. (Love Song for No One — John Mayer)

╬ Time, am I restless or a fool? How can you pretend to be so cruel? (It’s Gonna Be Love — Mandy Moore)

╬ I’ll wait for you there like a stone. I’ll wait for you there, alone. (Like A Stone — Audioslave)

╬ Can’t you see, it’s not me you’re dying for? (Brick — Ben Folds Five)

╬ I am not your autumn moon, I am the night. (I Am The Highway — Audioslave)

╬ Your every breath could be your last ‘coz they will break your heart in two. (The Truth — Alex Band)

╬ Where can you run to escape from yourself? Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go? Salvation is here. (Dare You to Move — Switchfoot)

╬ The very worst part of you is me. (Lying from You — Linkin Park)

╬ I don’t think you like me. Well, I hate you as well. (Abuse Me — Silverchair)

╬ C’mon, abuse me more, I like it… (Abuse Me — Silverchair) 

╬ I’m just trying to find a decent melody, a song that I can sing in my own company… (Stuck In A Moment — U2)

╬ You got much closer than I thought you did. (Rest In Pieces — Saliva)

From Alpha-Strings to Beta-Rolls

(by John Valentime Binamira II, former fellow student writer, and favorite fellow poet )

Life is a jungle I dare not cross;
But from primates to humanity,
wasn’t it a jungle we had to cross?

Dreams are like the stars that burn at the touch -
from the Big Bang to the Big Crunch (?)…
From stardust we were,
& to stardust we shall be,
aren’t we all made of dreams?

Yet Love — where does it fit?
Oh, where does it belong?
In the equation of life, Love does not…
Yet it is not a question of why, but why not…

If life is a jungle,
and Dreams are the stars,
then love would simply be…
YOU and ME.

remember when it rained

by Josh Groban

Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you
No more love and no more pride
The thoughts are all I have to do

Oooh…remember when it rained
Felt the ground & looked up high
& called your name
Oooh…remember when it rained
In the darkness I remain

Tears of hope run down my skin
Tears for you that will not dry
They magnify the one within
Let the outside slowly die…

Oooh…remember when it rained
Felt the ground & looked up high
& called your name
In the water I remain…running down

Running down, running down
running down, running down
running down, running down

…running down

scared to death of you

"If the world would fall apart in a fiction-worthy wind, I wouldn’t change a thing now that you’re here," Brandon Boyd sings.

But now that you’re here, I don’t know what to do.

I’m scared. Are you scared? Please don’t tell me I’m imagining things.

I wished for you. I longed for you. Damn it, I even prayed for you, to be here, to be near again. I never thought it would work. Or was it just pure, dumb chance?

Sometimes I wish I could change myself for you. To have everything you’ve always wanted in a girl. To be the very one that you want most so you have no choice left but to fall in love with me.

But you see, I can’t stand the thought of losing my own identity to become a different person for somebody else. This is ME. This is who I am, what I am, how I am…and you know, you don’t really know me all that well. Perhaps…perhaps if you dig deep enough, you’ll find I’m not so bad after all. I may not be sexy, I may not be the most beautiful woman in the world, but hell I’ve got a whole lot of other things I can be proud of. 

And since I cannot and will not change myself, what choice do I have left but to make you see that I am special and worth your time. But here’s the rub: I don’t know how, and I’m scared. I am terrified of saying the wrong thing, of sending the wrong signals, of being misunderstood. Most of all, I am scared to death that it will have no effect, because you feel nothing for me, and everything I have done is all for nothing. Call it a phobia if you like, stemming from roots I do not care to discuss at the moment.

So I have reached an impasse. And all I can do is look at you, watch you…because I freeze whenever you’re near. Even my thoughts escape me. So I say nothing, or pretend to ignore you, rather than make a total fool of myself.

After minutes, or hours, or whatever time it took out of my day just to watch you…I vent out my frustration in listening to music…or writing in this blog, like today.

F**k this! Stupid, frickin’ pathetic fool…can i have some more beer here please??????

let’s play tag

Ria tagged me with this fun winamp music meme the other day, and I didn’t get to post my results then. So decided to do it all over again so i have new results just for this day.

so here we go. how to do this meme:

     1. Put your music player on shuffle.
     2. Press forward for each question.
     3. Use the song title as the answer to each question even if it doesn’t make sense.  
         NO CHEATING!
     4. Tag 10 people to play this game too.

The Questions:

1. How are you feeling today?
:: Unwell (matchbox 20) — LOL! Well, I do have a cough and a little cold, so I guess it’s right!

2. Will you get far in life?
:: Iris (goo goo dolls) — "i’ll give up forever to touch you" so i’d say not that far, LOL

3. How do your friends see you?
:: Walking After You (foo fighters) — "if you walk out on me, i’m walking after you?"

4. Will you get married?
:: I Could Sing of Your Love Forever (Sonicflood) — A praise song…does that mean…oopsy.

5. What is your best friend’s theme song?
:: Take Me Out of the Dark (Gary V.) — hmmm…. are you in the dark, my friend?

6. What is the story of your life?
:: I Melt With You (jason mraz) — aaay. kilig. hahahaha!

7. What was high school like?
:: Goodbye (spice girls) — ay! ano toh? hmm…me and the girls were spice fans then, i have to admit…

8. How can you get ahead in life?
:: Best In Me (blue) — of kors! by giving out the best in me. bow.

9. What is the best thing about your friends?
:: I Love Rock n’ Roll — hahahahaha! friends, comment?

10. What is today going to be like?
:: In The End (linkin park) — "in the end it doesn’t really matter…" does it?

11. What is in store for this weekend?
:: Our Lives (the calling) — what else. life goes on. "these are the days worth living." char.

12. What song describes you?
:: Hold Me Down (gin blossoms) — am i that frisky????

13. How is your life going?
:: Damaged (TLC) — ouch! waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. *sob*

14. What song will they play at your funeral?
:: Nagai Aida (kiroro) — i wonder if people will understand?

15. How does the world see you?
:: Numb (linkin park) — whaaaaat???!!!

16. Will you have a happy life?
:: Time After Time — cool!

17. What do your friends really think of you?
:: Waiting (green day) — "destined for anything at all" yeehah.

18. Do people secretly lust after you?
::  Stellar (incubus) — hmm. "meet me in outer space…" some alien’s lusting after me??? LOL

19. How can I make myself happy?
::  Ana’s Song (silverchair) — please die, ana. hahahahaha.

20. What should you do with your life?
:: You Raise Me Up (josh groban) –  i’ll truly keep that in mind.

21. Will you ever have children?
:: The Scientist (coldplay)  — ooooh. what does this mean?? i guess…"nobody said it was easy"

my incubus friday

Today’s playlist, started at 10:30 this morning:

1.  11 A.M.
2. A Certain Shade of Green
3. Aqueous Transmission
4. Are You In
5. Circles
6. Crowded Elevator
7. Drive
8. Drive (music video)
9. Drive (acoustic)
10. Echo
11. I Miss You
12. I Miss You (acoustic)
13. I Wish You Were Here
14. Make Yourself (acoustic)
15. Make Yourself (live acoustic video)
16. Mexico
17. New Skin
18. Nice To Know You
19. No Scrubs (bits, audio clip)
20. Pardon Me
21. Pardon Me (video)
22. Pardon Me (live)
23. Smokin’ The Herb Again — currently playing
24. Pardon Me (acoustic)
25. Stellar
26. Stellar (acoustic)
27. Talk Shows on Mute
28. Talk Shows on Mute (live in Milan video)
29. The Warmth
30. Megalomaniac (video)
31. Warning
32. Warning (music video)
33. Warning (live)
34. Warning (live video)
35. Here In My Room (live in Milan video)

Wow. 35 tracks. I hadn’t realized I’d loaded that many Incubus songs into my playlist. And there’s even more I haven’t loaded! Talk about being fanatic.