myoo sings

hmm. today i'm wishing i could meet a guy who looks like Tetsuya Nomura's Vincent Valentine, from Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children.

and have him fall in love with me.

LOL 

or that I could look like Tifa Lockhart.

hahahaha. wishful thinking.

but isn't she beautiful, though?

i wonder who were the models for these characters… 

on haiku writing

congratulate me. i just wrote my first ever haiku — two of them, actually. they probably suck, and yeah, i managed to smack nature and emo together, hahaha.

The pale silver moon
Whispers of lost tales of love
As I weep for mine.

Blessed clouds above
Hide not the ever far sun
For at last I die.

i never ventured into haiku writing before because i'm so bad at keeping things short. i was already having problems with short stories that threatened to become novels, how much more with the less-than-ten-syllable lines of a haiku?

although i do remember writing several satisfactory limericks for a class exercise back in grade six. and i remember writing more for nearly half the class, too. i think that was when i realized i could be a poet.

i've written mostly free verse through the years, but recently i've been wanting to challenge myself to actually write serious poetry. by "serious" i mean following meters and feet, and trying out fixed poetry instead of free verse.

so i started with the haiku, and i think i will try a sonnet next. ;P 

on the lighter side

still has something to do with fantasy, though. what can i say? i refuse to get myself out of it.

i finally finished playing chrono trigger. and i've been playing this game since college! can you imagine how long that's been? well, i did have to keep starting over because i kept losing my saved games.

snes is cool. old school still rocks, you know.

now i'm thinking of what to play next. i had terranigma but lost my saved game due to a hard disk failure, and god i have to start at the very beginning again??? i had seikendensetsu 3 as well but it began to bore me, heheheh. i already finished illusion of gaia a long time ago. hmmm. maybe i'll try lufia right now. it is something new for me.

oh, btw, my friend arlo's going to lend me his fushigi yuugi OVAs. whoopeeeee. 

lost in a fantasy world

…in the Universe of the Four Gods.

actually it started like this. i wanted to write. but i was so damn torn. i couldn't decide which one to work on, and i just wasn't inspired enough to choose. my fault for starting too many storylines i couldn't finish. *sigh*

i thought, maybe i should watch something to inspire me to write. so i went on a fushigi yuugi marathon. the result wasn't so much inspiration as being drowned in a whirlpool of emotions. i watched all 52 episodes for 2 nights straight. now i'm hovering between the fantasy world and the real one.

fushigi yuugi always has this effect on me. it is my favorite anime to watch if i just want to forget the real world for a while. so there i was, holding back tears until the end.

i'm a sucker for true love, and i envy Miaka and Tamahome. which is silly, i know, for they're not real. they're made-up people in a made-up world. a love like that will probably never exist in the real world. this world is cruel, and reality is a pain in the ass.

sometimes, in the back of my head, i wish i could escape reality for good and live in my fantasy world forever. i haven't told this to anyone because i'm sure they'll think i'm strange. that i'm losing my mind or something. they don't understand, i guess. i'm tired of trying to make people understand. there was a time when that was all i ever wanted, to be understood, but i don't give a damn anymore. judge me if they must, but they better not dare tell me what i can and can't do.

i'm just a foolish girl with foolish dreams, and if i have to be foolish to be true to myself then so be it. and if diving headlong into a fantasy world is one way for me to be happy then leave it be. i want that one great love, i want to live in enchantment, and i want my happy ending. this is why i've become a  writer. this is why i write.

to write is to live, and to live is to be ME.

so leave me alone if you don't want to kill me.

lambasting the corporate world

or not really. heheh.

i've been quite unproductive today. came in late, for one. i feel so friggin' tired. my muscles hurt. i'm writing in short sentences. damn pms.

i didn't feel like working. it's a friday, too. there's always irreconcilable differences between WORK and FRIDAY. if they got married, they'd be divorced or annulled in no time.

i wish i could write or post at home. i wish i had my own pc. a laptop! it's much faster translating thought to prose when typing. although there is a certain charm in writing by hand, i usually have ideas pop out of my head when i'm commuting, so i'd really like to be able to just quickly log on to a pc and start typing.

like now, i'm still in the office. my arm is starting to hurt, and my palm is sore. i think i need a smaller mouse.

there's a few things i still want to do, but it's 7:50 in the evening and work should have been off at 7.

i have writing projects i should be attending to. 

i need my muse

i feel like i'm stuck in creative limbo. again.

i can't seem to get out the words that used to overflow from my thoughts anymore. why? it's like i've snuggled deep down into this cocoon of mediocrity, fighting the commonplace and yet afraid to venture out.

i feel so insecure, and i hate this constant need for affirmation. a writer shouldn't have to write to please everyone, because then he will end up pleasing no one. cliched. but true, i feel.

but i can't even please myself. i write something. i think it is good. i read somebody else's work. hell, my own piece suddenly falls all the way down to the bottom, barely even touching "good". i cannot stop myself from comparing. and i give up even before my feet have touched the fire.

i simply MUST get rid of this insecurity. i have to keep writing, if only to save my own sanity. i have to STOP this negativity, this unwholesome rejection of my own worth.

but it's hard. i am my own worst enemy, my number one critic, the one who bursts my own bubble. i am my own downfall.

oh me, save me.