obscure

It’s been ages since I last posted something here. I haven’t even blogged about Christmas or my New Year Celebrations. It seems a strange thing to me. I used to never run out of tales to tell. I used to look at life in vivid colors, used to think that there was always something exciting to look forward to around the corner somewhere.

Oh, well. I guess there just comes a point in our life when disillusionment comes in.

I really must blog some more, if only to get back into the habit of writing. Of purging disturbing thoughts and emotions. Of letting go. And self-therapy. I could probably list twenty more reasons, but I think the aforementioned ones are sufficient to get my point across.

Like Menger commented once, I haven’t been updating – he hoped it didn’t reflect the “reality” – which means my life must be so friggin’ empty or just downright boring these days.

It’s not so much my life as it is me. I guess I’ve been feeling lazy or something. Or there are…stuff…that I’m just not free enough to regale people with right now.

I hate sounding obscure like this, but what the hell.

love. hate. what does it matter, anyway?

I hate you so much right now. It really isn't your fault. You haven't done anything except, well… make me fall for you. Unwittingly, of course. After all, you were only being yourself.

And I? I guess I was just being myself, too. My usual pathetic, love-hungry self.

Now whose fault was it that this happened?

Why does this always happen to me anyway? It seems nothing has ever been RIGHT for me in the quest for love. I always LOSE. I never get the real thing, and all I can do is simply steal moments to treasure and keep. In the end, all I have are memories. And memories, in time, fade. Particularly when there is no one to share them with.

Sometimes I get so tired of pretending. Of hiding under the guise of friendship, of nonchalance. Of trying to stay away when all I want is to be nearer to you than your own shadow.

I hate you so much right now. Really. But I like you more, and I absolutely HATE that fact.

alone

it's raining again.

it's been raining almost unceasingly today. the skies stayed dull and lifeless, throwing  a shadow over everything.

i don't know if i'm happy with the rain today. my heart has been, well…sort of heavy lately. i think it wants to empathize with the weather. to have its own spell of rain. but it only managed a few tears, and then everything dried up. it couldn't focus on a single emotion, because my thoughts wouldn't stay still. they just sort of run amok, and my heart had to run to keep up with them.

sometimes i think that i think too much. i guess that's the price of being alone. one has nothing but one's thoughts for company. we retreat deep inside ourselves because there's no other way to go. we pretend we're better off than we are, we build worlds where the rules are our own, where we find love and live happily ever after.

castles in the air, as strong as the hope that lives inside us, but as fragile as smoke when that hope wavers.

this blog is definitely living up to its name.  

a story of rain

11/14/2007

i have a love-hate relationship with rain.

when the rains first came at the turn of the season, i was glad. it
wasn’t just because of the respite from the blistering heat. i don’t
know, somehow it reminded me of childhood and carefree days. days when
STRESS was a word i’ve never even met.

everytime it rained, i wanted to run outside and frolic under the
raindrops, jump into puddles and go splash, splash, splash! i wanted to
make little paper boats and sail them on murky pools of rainwater. I
wanted to have a glass window so I can watch the drops glide down on it.

i remember walking in the rain a few days ago. i had my jacket on, the
hood pulled up over my head. i was giggling to myself, and i made my way
down the street with a foolish grin on my face. i was happy.

i got caught in a fierce downpour once, too, around two weeks ago, on
the way home. i had to walk a block from the jeepney stop to my house,
so i calmly rolled up my jeans, put up my umbrella, and walked leisurely
down the block. laughing to myself, braving the wide puddles, and even
forgiving the drivers who splashed water all over me as they sped by.

people stared at me. but i was happy then, too.

and then there were the days when i wished the rain would just wash me
away into nothingness. for it to batter me down into a useless puddle,
or hammer at me until i vanish into vapor. days when rain’s big cruel
drops became blatant reminders of tears needing to be shed, of bottled
emotions screaming for release. days when i felt like an insignificant
speck of dust being rinsed away, forgotten, alone, unmade.

i had one such night not so long ago. standing on the curb under my
umbrella, wanting to weep, wanting to scream. i felt like my feet had
taken root so i could not move, but the world paid no heed and
arrogantly passed me by, leaving me to the merciless beat of the
raindrops.

o rain, if i should write an ode to thee, it would be bittersweet
indeed.

20 things you wanna tell someone but you know you never will

1. You disappoint me. I thought you could be trusted. Now, the mere mention of your name is enough to make my blood rise to boiling point.

2. You are selfish, immature, and evil behind that angelic mask you wear. It was a mistake to ever know you.

3. I wonder if you know how much I loved you. And perhaps love you still…?

4. I miss you so much, and I wish I could see you again, for old times' sake.

5. I really, really like you. In a strangely unromantic sort of way. Frankly, I think I'm confused about you, but I'm glad you're around.

6. You know, when I'm around you, I get the feeling that you're watching my every move just so you can talk about with someone else.

7. Dealing with you is S-T-R-E-S-S in bold, capital letters.

8. I can't for the life of me imagine what the hell you could still be doing there. Everybody hates you. I hate you.

9. You inspire me. Your powerful words leave me awestruck and dreaming.

10. I'm happy to have met you. You are like the burst of color in my otherwise monochrome world.

11. You don't really know me all that well, so how dare you judge me based on some other person's lies and half-truths?

12. For God's sake, it's NOT pronounced "hai-ya-yar-ki!" And "quite" is NOT "quiet!"

13. I'd really love to sing with you, even just once.

14. I miss picking a fight with you. Things are just plain boring now.

15. Somehow I feel proud of you. You are MUCH better now than when you first started out, and I'm glad to be one of those who urged you on.

16. I wish we could've spent more time knowing each other. If you must know, I'm one of your biggest fans.

17. You are over-reacting. I've had enough of this melodrama. Solve your own problems and stop laying them on me.

18. What happened? I always thought you'd end up together.

19. Sometimes I feel envious of how good a poet you are.

20. Will you get on with it already so I can at least have a life? 

elegy

i found you on friendster. your smiling face lighted up the screen, and your warm eyes looked at me.

it's been a year since you left all so suddenly.

i'm sorry i didn't get to see you off. to say goodbye. i'm sorry i wasn't there to be your friend one last time.

i'm sorry it took a year for me to finally grieve, to feel sadness at your absence. perhaps it is because finding your friendster profile came so soon after another recent loss, while death's scent still lingers.

memories of you are washing over me now, as fresh as if they just happened yesterday. the way we'd talk about the books we've read, and the peculiarities of faith and religion. the way you made me promise that i'd be at your birthday, or else you won't show up at mine. the way you insisted that i join our block section outing, and when i said i had no money, you paid for my share just so i could go.

i once said i would do anything for you.

so i'm sorry i wasn't there to say my last goodbyes. i guess i wasn't true to my word in that sense. but then, i'm not sure i could have handled it, seeing you without life, without your smile and your warm eyes. it didn't seem fair that death should claim you then, so young and so vibrantly alive.

but you're gone, and a year has passed. all i have of you now are memories, and they will have to suffice.

goodbye, friend. may you rejoice with the angels in the light of God's eternal joy, in the place that awaits us all.

warning

It’s happening all over again. I can so see it coming.

Because if you overshoot it, if you fail to cushion your heart, you’ll break it into tiny little pieces again, and it’s fragile enough as it is. Remember how long it took you to pick up the pieces and superglue them back together? And you’ll know it’s all your fault, because you knew how things stood from the very start.

unsent

i wish i was as eloquent as you. as free with my words as you are, as precise with every thought, every emotion, every breath, every metaphor. your lines make me want to fall to my knees and weep like one blown away by some wondrous revelation.

where is she?

where is that earnest dreamer that i used to be? would that i could go back in time and tweak a moment or two here and there. if only life was like a digital photograph, easily touched up and transformed into an artist's masterpiece.

perhaps if i had been braver, had faced life's truths head-on without hesitation, had refused to be squeezed dry of my dreams and my thoughts, i could write like you do.

part of me still sees the world in the ever-pulsating, vari-colored lights of NOW. and strives to capture it. freeze it in a frame. encase it in glass like a dainty little snowglobe and stare at it for hours.

but i am…exhausted.

and the moment fades. inspiration flickers out, its blessed illumination barely even touching the edges of creativity. NOW passes into THEN. and into obscurity.

i am tired.

disjointed

I miss you
As much as
I miss the waning moon that fades from my sky
My sky
My moon

The world has left me behind
And taken you with it.

Heaven
Is a point of view.
A perspective.

Listening to Queen
Bohemian Rhapsody rocks my socks

Clichés can kill

Two young men gunned down an ostrich
For wounding their pride.

Can you imagine getting kicked by an ostrich?

i am still alive

although i feel otherwise.

it's been so long since i last posted my thoughts. almost a month has passed. *sigh*

for days now i've been on the brink of exhaustion, teetering on the edge of outright burnout. i find myself wanting to be happy but can't. i want to move on to something better, but it seems both my feet are mired too deep in this godforsaken bog.

somehow i know that there is so much more i can do, that i am so much better than this. damn the man, so they say. "the man" has taken so much from me. i feel my creativity's been squeezed down to the last drop, all for a person whose brain, i think, is way beneath me.

i can do so much better.

but because circumstances necessitate it, i will have to endure the stress and the frustration of dealing with someone who is not only vague and pigheaded but addlebrained as well. that is the curse of an unfair world, where some are considered above your league only because of the color of your skin when in truth, in heart and in mind, you are like pure gold to their tainted brass.

the world is unfair. life is unfair. and in the midst of it all, we struggle to find happiness.

i have long since figured out that happiness will never be like a wide stretch of languid sea,  at once huge and overwhelming, and almost never running out. no, never like that. the sea is like life as a whole, and happiness is the little puddles here and there, fascinating pools of discovery that either dry up or get swallowed by the crushing waves, to vanish from sight and appear again only when the tide is low.

moments. it's the moments that count.

and i wish i had more of those moments, or else I will get swallowed up as well.