me, expounding.

Friday, October 16th, 2009

why is it sometimes so hard to be understood? and why do i have to care so much?

i thought i’d stopped caring.

i remember the words ju-kun said to me once, a long time ago. “don’t close your doors.” but, ju-kun, i haven’t closed my doors. they’re open, they’re standing open. all one has to do is take a few steps and enter.

in much the same way, i once said that i am not open book. however, i am not a sealed book either. all you have to do is flip the cover and turn the pages to discover me.

how can you know what’s on the other side of the door if you don’t cross the threshold and go inside? how can you find out what the book is all about if you don’t turn the pages and read through?

i’m not saying that i’m extra special, so much that you have to make the effort to dig under the layers. but i cannot be so open, i am not that kind of person. that is not who i am. and i hate it when people try to change me, for their own ends, or to fit their own concepts of what’s right and wrong. i will change when i want to, because it is something that will make me happy.

change for yourself, not for others.

mare-chan, too…she said once, “you’re always there for me when i need to unload my problems, but you don’t share much of what you really feel deep inside.”

for years i’ve had to bottle up a lot of emotions, because i had to be strong, i couldn’t let others see how weak i am. that’s got a really long backstory which i don’t care to explain here at all. i guess the habit has become so ingratiated i could no longer get rid of it, and it’s so much a part of who i am that it would feel absolutely alien if it were to change. it’s not that i don’t want to share my thoughts or my feelings, it’s just that i don’t know how. i have never been able to express myself well verbally, because my words would fall over each other, and there would be long pauses in between where i tend to think too much and mull over my words before speaking. i also need to be in a comfortable place for a serious talk, i cannot just have a discussion anywhere - my brain would freeze if i am uncomfortable and you will not get anything out of me.

that is the reason why i always go out to somewhere quiet when i want to have a serious conversation with friends, hence our coffee nights.

writing has always been easier for me, because i find that my thoughts just flow freely from my mind to my fingers, and i can express myself better. thus i kept a diary for more than 10 years, which has now transformed into journals and blogs, to rant in, to take refuge in, to let out the words that i otherwise couldn’t say.

had enough? if you’re still reading up to here, thank you. if you’ve given up, then you’re probably not worth keeping.