i am still alive

although i feel otherwise.

it's been so long since i last posted my thoughts. almost a month has passed. *sigh*

for days now i've been on the brink of exhaustion, teetering on the edge of outright burnout. i find myself wanting to be happy but can't. i want to move on to something better, but it seems both my feet are mired too deep in this godforsaken bog.

somehow i know that there is so much more i can do, that i am so much better than this. damn the man, so they say. "the man" has taken so much from me. i feel my creativity's been squeezed down to the last drop, all for a person whose brain, i think, is way beneath me.

i can do so much better.

but because circumstances necessitate it, i will have to endure the stress and the frustration of dealing with someone who is not only vague and pigheaded but addlebrained as well. that is the curse of an unfair world, where some are considered above your league only because of the color of your skin when in truth, in heart and in mind, you are like pure gold to their tainted brass.

the world is unfair. life is unfair. and in the midst of it all, we struggle to find happiness.

i have long since figured out that happiness will never be like a wide stretch of languid sea,  at once huge and overwhelming, and almost never running out. no, never like that. the sea is like life as a whole, and happiness is the little puddles here and there, fascinating pools of discovery that either dry up or get swallowed by the crushing waves, to vanish from sight and appear again only when the tide is low.

moments. it's the moments that count.

and i wish i had more of those moments, or else I will get swallowed up as well.